You ask too much from me.

Remember when I look at you with quizzical eyes? Or when I ask you what are you doing with the dreams you built before? 

You do something in my life. You make it seem easier to make the tougher decisions. You do not have big fears but dwell in petty little uncertainties. You jump and run and shout for life. And you always make it look so fun.

I love the many colours of you. The way you cowardly aim for banter than depth. The way you strut and poke fun at simple everyday things. The sweetness that never leaves your eyes. The youth you display beneath the old soul you possess. I think you have actually seen it all and decided that it's all funny.

I know that I do not need to look closer to see that you belong to each other. She is strong and brave and caring and wise. She shows her love for you in the most conventional ways too. She brings light in your eyes and makes sure that you are kept with your feet on the ground. 

She is the rudder to your sail. I know that you are bound to toss and drift without her. I am just not sure how it seemed possible that you decided that you have found this in somebody else.

She completes you in the best definition of that cliché.

It pains me to see what love has done here. I know that we do not always get what we deserve in the matters of love. And we cannot always afford to do something about it. 

But you belong to France.

i don't know how i got here but i know you have something to do with it. you were always too sly that way. i've always refused having to write this because i know how goodbyes suck.

i know that i disappointed you a little sometimes but it never really showed when you look at me. i wish you can see me now - i might even make you smile.

it was tough for me growing up because i've always been on the crazy side but you always made me feel better than any of them. i remember the nights when i wake up so afraid that you might have left me that i watch you while you slept. and even when you're asleep, you made me feel better.

surprisingly,  the wound was as fresh as it was a couple of years ago. i don't think i'll get over losing you. you made me too comfortable having you around (and so i blame you a little for that). i wish you were still here because you always knew what to say to make me feel better and you always knew when i need to feel better. sometimes, even before i did. 

still, i also wished you didn't worry about us too much. i guess you knew how dysfunctional we all really are inside. so you believed and raised us - silently and steadfastly. you made pillows fluffier and sheets smoother. you made toasts tastier and regular meals fancier. even when you could hardly manage it, you took care of us. 

because you were there, i was not as broken as i might have been.  i didn't want to let you go because i feared having you might be the only thing keeping me together. that the reasons why i have been so good is because i secretly and desparately want to hear you being proud of me. and even now that you're not here, i feel you around me. looking over my shoulder and urging me to be better. you gave me the more strength than i could possibly carry. i promise - someday, i'd be.

i will always love and miss you - some days more than the others.  

1. i would run in the mall without my better clothes on (yeah, slippers and worn-out pajamas)

2. i'll enunciate my criticisms inside the movie house

3. i'd sit in the middle of the road in the middle of the day

4. i'd pick my nose in public

5. i would go inside a nice restaurant and just sit there soaking in the ambiance

6. perhaps, fight crime from time to time

i just had a nightmare. i was walking around the place where i worked. there was this man who i seem to know as a friend, he held my hand casually as i fell asleep on my chair.

when i got up from dreaming a bit in my dream, i stood up and started to walk across several people.

then i suddenly felt dizzy like from riding a rollercoaster. i felt like i was going to puke. i realized i was fainting in my dream and i couldn't feel my legs - my entire body felt limp. i tried to ask the people for help but they went on oblivious from my horror and my pain.

i tried to kick and yelled for my mother but it doesn't seem to work. i bit my tongue hard and when i opened my eyes i was back in my bed. i knew that i wasn't really awake yet though so i tried to shout and i managed to let out a whimper.

when i heard it, i knew i'm home. i haven't fallen asleep since.

tupac...notorious BIG...frank sinatra...john lennon...kurt cobain...elvis.

"I am lucky to have been a recording artist and one day when I leave this world, just like the names I mentioned, my voice will be heard. Always. At a touch of a button or switch, I am "alive" again.

In essence music is life. Music is immortality."

- francis m., musicman

love is inevitable.

i looked at his eyes and there it was. a promise of so many beautiful things to happen. 

it took a while though. it made me crazy a bit. i was angry and frustrated and i doubted if it even was enough to go through all this trouble for just the promise. he was there and i was here, in between us was chaos. my friends and friendships were even torn apart.

but within the swirling million pieces of passion, judgement, weakness, excitement and wonder - there was hope. hope that love can be as hyped up as it should be. that the emotions you invest are worth it. that the moments you waste away waiting for it will be just the dismissable past not even worth mentioning when he comes to you. and he did. and it was.

and you realize, this is how it should be. this is what they've had in mind behind the unfathomable fairy tales read to us every night. the magic is not even magical at first sight but it is there. it is real. and it was the best valentine's ever and over and over again.

maybe we shouldn't meet.

i honestly don't think i want to know more than i do now. i don't think i would like knowing. 

when i read that it was her again, i hated it. it just made me feel that i was a filler, something like a 5-year-itch. i don't think i would've minded as much if it was somebody else. but it was her and it made all the difference i never expected it would. 

someone said that perfect love may be impossible to give or achieve, but we should try nevertheless. he said that we should allow ourselves to stretch and be stretched as thinly as humanly possible. that there's no point in doing otherwise because it simply is the meaning of love. 

i thought you had this somewhat and at some point, for me.

i'm definitely not trying to win you back, i honestly believe you are and will be much happier with her than you would be with anybody else. it's just, she was willing to go as far as she could for love, for the love of you that it would be insane to create a threat to that. 

i wish you happiness and i wish you love.

love me or else ...

When asked to comment about Angelina Jolie's statement about falling for her ex-husband on the movie Mr & Mrs Smith set, Jennifer said: 

 "No daggers through the heart. I laugh. Am I surprised? ... Considering the source, nothing surprises me."

Go Team Aniston!

coffee is the most subtle of addictions. the most cunning and, almost always, permanent.

I suffer because I don’t want to

I sin against the goodness and humanity in sinning

          I am no longer the little girl who looks at the ocean

          And feels the sand between her toes

          Seeing herself certainly

          As just a little girl who stands in front of the ocean

Now, I am a person who’d look at the seas and dares to conquer it

And conquests are terrible things

I feel that there is a core in me no one has ever touched

And that core must yield to be alone and destroy me solely, wholly