i don't know how i got here but i know you have something to do with it. you were always too sly that way. i've always refused having to write this because i know how goodbyes suck.

i know that i disappointed you a little sometimes but it never really showed when you look at me. i wish you can see me now - i might even make you smile.

it was tough for me growing up because i've always been on the crazy side but you always made me feel better than any of them. i remember the nights when i wake up so afraid that you might have left me that i watch you while you slept. and even when you're asleep, you made me feel better.

surprisingly,  the wound was as fresh as it was a couple of years ago. i don't think i'll get over losing you. you made me too comfortable having you around (and so i blame you a little for that). i wish you were still here because you always knew what to say to make me feel better and you always knew when i need to feel better. sometimes, even before i did. 

still, i also wished you didn't worry about us too much. i guess you knew how dysfunctional we all really are inside. so you believed and raised us - silently and steadfastly. you made pillows fluffier and sheets smoother. you made toasts tastier and regular meals fancier. even when you could hardly manage it, you took care of us. 

because you were there, i was not as broken as i might have been.  i didn't want to let you go because i feared having you might be the only thing keeping me together. that the reasons why i have been so good is because i secretly and desparately want to hear you being proud of me. and even now that you're not here, i feel you around me. looking over my shoulder and urging me to be better. you gave me the more strength than i could possibly carry. i promise - someday, i'd be.

i will always love and miss you - some days more than the others.