chasing passions

storm and urge

2010-11-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

The desire was animal.
It was pure
and stirred a tornado in her senses.
Voices in her head told her
it wasn't right,
and not worth the trouble of being wrong.
But when did she ever listen to them?

He smiled like an angel
promising delicious evil things.
His arms promised
tenderness and strength,
a sanctuary and a cage.

And she would yield to him.
She knew it before
she actually thought about it.
All he had to do was ask,
and she would make him.
No, not ask,
he would beg.

How often does it happen?

2010-09-25T02:28:00.000-07:00

I begin with a good intention. I make my aim and pursue it with fervent desperation. I chase it. I grab it by its tail and sure enough, as it always does, it slips through my fingers. All the effing time.

chalkdust

2010-07-14T04:59:00.000-07:00

To teach is to take on a herculean task.

I believe that every student can be taught, and can learn. It is unfortunate that a class’ success is determined by the ability of the class to shut up while the teacher feeds them with information. It is shocking that instead of the teacher challenging the class to think, he urges them to subscribe to the restrictions already set by the so-called curriculum.

Teachers take on education sourly. Some only deign to teach because they lack the ability to do anything else. Teaching is a fallback.

The government allocates more budget for bullets than chalk. Unless the school’s meagerness is offered up to the media, the local government barely notices the existing and uncomfortable fact that the seventy students in a classroom have to share fifty chairs. Fifty rickety chairs.

The books hardly help. It’s no secret that there had been a lot of issues about misprinted and erroneous data in public school books.

Imagine trying to light one lamp at a time only to find out that it’s turned dimmer every time you leave the room – simply because it’s the easier thing to do.

Some people view the state of our nation’s education as a national disaster in slow motion. I think it’s gaining speed.

First Quarter Movies

2010-04-04T19:59:00.000-07:00

Last year, I resolved to spend more time inside the cinema and I did. I made sure that I watched at least one movie a month. So far, I enjoyed most of the movies I've seen.

To start the year right, Tiger and I went to see James Cameron's AVATAR. I feel asleep for about 10 minutes right in the middle of the movie. I guess I got all dizzy with the swooping shots and panoramic landscapes.

The movie was not so bad but it felt like much of the thought was focused on the effects and not the plot. I guess that was just too much to ask.

In February, I pleaded to see Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. I adored the book and could not wait to see how they will appear in the movies.

I was not impressed but it was fun. I felt the urge to be apologetic in behalf of the filmmakers since I understand that there is not possible way of translating that engaging series flawlessly into the big screen. And by the looks of it, that would be the first and last Percy Jackson movie they would attempt to make.

Last year we could not stop talking about the buzz that Johnny Depp will play the Mad Hatter in the next Tim Burton movie and back then we knew this is something to watch out for.

And so We went into the rabbit hole and revisited the Underland with Alice and the many colorful characters who calls it home. We watched the antics of the insufferable queen and braved the many terrible yet awesome adventures that Alice never grew tired of.

It was nothing short of amazing. We can always count on Burton to turn our well-loved classics into the dark and twisted. I loved it.

To cap off the quarter, Tiger and I saw Clash of the Titans. The effects were decent and at times spectacular. There were a lot of things that were a bit needless.

Ultimately, it was not the best movie to close the quarter but there are a lot more movies to come as 2010 unfolds.

For the second quarter, we ought to get ready for Shrek Forever After, Toy Story 3, The Karate Kid and The Last Airbender.

whoa percy!

2010-02-16T17:57:00.000-08:00

Warning: there may be spoilers here.

It's not that I'm entirely satisfied, I just understand how difficult the task could be.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians is an intricate and delicious piece of literature. It's classic and contemporary. And it is arguably one of the best series in the young adult literature in ages.

I've always felt the pull towards mythology. For me, it's the origin of all soap opera plots ever written. And to be able to read it in contemporary form is nothing short of amazing.

When I heard of the film adaptation, I got all giddy. I heard Columbus is directing and I thought another Harry Potter-ish film - the making of a classic. In my excitement, I forgot how the Potter films are inferior to the book.

Seeing the movie is actually a mixed experience for me. I was fascinated as to how much the film deviated from the book but remained interesting at the same time. I also realized how the makers are going to be in hot water when the reviews come in.

There are a lot of details in the book to cram in (insert run time), but it's still not a valid excuse to make an adaptation faithful to the book.

First, the main villain is not even in the movie. Kronos' name was mentioned as well as the most possible motive that he has for going after the Olympians. The villain was not clearly defined actually- which is okay in the absence of the Kronos detail, since every god is basically neither friend nor enemy to Percy. Well, they've not decided yet anyway.

Second, there was Percy's quest- which is basically the whole plot of the novel. It's totally different. I was waiting for the opportunity for the movie to pick up its feet and reveal that it's as smart as the novel, but I was left wanting.

And third, the most interesting- albeit annoying- characters were removed. Nancy Bobofit, Clarisse, and Ares were no show. It's important to have these characters because they elicited the reactions that define Percy.

I still enjoyed the film. Percy's character is funny and has that near-endearing swagger, a split between Radcliffe's Potter and Efron's Troy . The effects were great but not too extraordinary. There are just too many factors which could have made it much better. Some argued that the reason for these compromises is the existence of a target audience. Do filmmakers "sacrifice" too much simply because they feel that their audience wouldn't get it?

If you take away the fact that the movie was based on a book, it would've been better. It makes sense anyway. But as it is, it is not. And that makes all the difference.

awkward confessions

2010-02-03T11:37:00.000-08:00

It doesn't help that I earn a little more than most people my age.

My bank accounts aren't too shabby as well. But there is always this guilty feeling looming ever so ominously whenever I try to make a really extravagant purchase. And honestly, I don't feel like I've really made too much of those.

Recently I got stumped by a sizeable amount in credit card debt. I almost did not see it coming. I made a few harmless purchases for a couple of innocently affordable tops, a few routine grocery items, and opted to swipe the card thinking I might rather need the cash later in the day. And I actually considered myself a generally smart buyer.

It's cruelly amazing how these things become habit when you're not watching your back, right?

I managed to reduce it by over half the amount in a month (I got an unexpected bonus) and I was really pleased with myself. I'm also in a very comfortable earning scheme and I expect it to stay like this for at least a couple more months before I head on to more meaningful albeit less lucrative venture - teaching.

I certainly don't live a life of luxury. To be honest, I can settle for an even simpler life. Sure, I find some of the "comforts" that I have now a bit necessary but it does not mean that I cannot do away with them. Currently, I have a laptop, an ipod, tons of books, dvds and magazines. Oh and a huge pile of clothes. Not too many shoes though.

I got a bit shifty when I realized how much I owe. I read Kinsella's Confessions of a Shopaholic on a whim and before I realized it, I find myself inconveniently relating to the lead character's money problems. I guess the main difference between us is I only have one measly credit card and my debit cards aren't exactly in overdraft.

And to think that I seldom splurge on clothes. Truthfully, I can even get a bit stingy when it comes to buying for myself. But when I get truly enthused, I guess I can get carried away.

Thus far, I have a dozen jackets and only wear around five. I have at least five pair of pants that I've only worn once or twice and decided they don't really suit me. And around five dresses that I'm really sure that I'd not be caught wearing in the next 15 years!

And that's just my wardrobe.

I think it's time to reassess my assets - maybe consider some of them as more of liabilities really.

temp

2010-01-18T10:35:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of things in life that we do not at all expect. Sometimes these tiny surprises become more valuable in time and ever so unexpectedly becomes even more than temporary.

Entertainingly surreal too are the people we become along the way. There are minuscule oddities that suddenly become routine and almost secondary. These oddities we love and cherish. These things we tend to miss.

It surprises me that I have grown into somebody different from who and what I was just a few months ago.

I took on a job that I felt fitting to be a temp job. I set my expectations and desires at low and dismissed it as a fleeting experience unworthy of any deep consideration.

At first, I was determined not to gain anything else but tangible rewards. I did not hope for any acquaintances of anything more than lunch buddies.

It is rather creepy that the more you avoid making any deep connections, you find yourself easily stuck with habits and comfortable situations. You start to make accidental friendships - and you start to love them too.

Then just as you start to accept that this is something you have to live happily with, reality knocks some sense back to you. It rudely reminds you of your purpose and without hesitation plunges you back to the memorized oblivion.

You smell the coffee and say to yourself, "Enough of that, for now".

reboot

2009-11-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

There are several system requirements to want to be and function well in a relationship. You have to have an appropriate memory storage capacity. You have to be adaptable to change and competent for other program installation.

You can get used to a particular system and become enslaved by the convenience, eventually noticing that you have compromised your capacity to grow for the comfort of being simply accessible.

Then a bug hits you. And you are now in a potentially unrecoverable state. You can lose everything you’ve got and start from first base. It’s as if the last ten years never happened.

Some people get lucky and are only affected in some areas. They got their hard drives thoroughly protected. These people, however, aren’t born with this charm. It comes from a lesson learned from being bugged before – stronger cores are due to experience.

There are a lot of changes when you undergo an upgrade. We’d all like for it to be for the better.

But Vistas aren’t always better than XP. Of course, you can always try seven.

shady

2009-10-15T04:42:00.000-07:00

Shades is having what he fondly calls a "quarter life crisis".

Now, Shades is one of those people who walks in the light. He has a good job and stable financial income. He is single and looks very much like he's the type who gets the fun out of life. Unfortunately, this also makes Shades the type who would have time to entertain existential questions.

And existential questions are not really the ones you should be asking yourself at his age.

Now, I'm not the best of people. I do have my share of blessings. I have passable ideals, an awesome family and a wonderful boyfriend. I, like most people my age, have conceptions that my future will be bright.

But then there are times when something gets the best out of you and reality sneaks up and pulls the rug you're smugly standing on.

Shades begins to wonder about what will happen next. Shades begins to "realize" things like meaning and meaningful relationships. And Shades begins to look ahead. And he starts to remember.

He remembers the time when he was dreaming of things and not trying to make up excuses as to why they haven't come true. He remembers the time when he was playing with simple things like rocks and marbles and not playing mind games with people he cares about. He remembers the time when he was aiming at a dream and not sadly counting his diminishing options.

I think Shades need an intervention.

swagger

2009-10-11T23:45:00.000-07:00

You're getting in my nerves.

A lot of people claim they need you but you need them more. You use words like nonchalant and irreprehensible loosely. You barely know what they mean.

I hope you would take the time to check how you really look in other people's eyes. There is chaos around you and you deal with a steady hand (while your entire body is shaking).

I know your angry and afraid - the lethal combination. You should deal with your anger now. You will always be afraid anyway.

One day, I will stay in a room with you and one of us will be walking out with a limp. That would be a good day for everybody. It is a favor, don't thank me.

Listen, do you answer the phone when you do not know who is calling?

Paris

2009-09-23T03:56:00.000-07:00

You ask too much from me.

Remember when I look at you with quizzical eyes? Or when I ask you what are you doing with the dreams you built before?

You do something in my life. You make it seem easier to make the tougher decisions. You do not have big fears but dwell in petty little uncertainties. You jump and run and shout for life. And you always make it look so fun.

I love the many colours of you. The way you cowardly aim for banter than depth. The way you strut and poke fun at simple everyday things. The sweetness that never leaves your eyes. The youth you display beneath the old soul you possess. I think you have actually seen it all and decided that it's all funny.

I know that I do not need to look closer to see that you belong to each other. She is strong and brave and caring and wise. She shows her love for you in the most conventional ways too. She brings light in your eyes and makes sure that you are kept with your feet on the ground.

She is the rudder to your sail. I know that you are bound to toss and drift without her. I am just not sure how it seemed possible that you decided that you have found this in somebody else.

She completes you in the best definition of that cliché.

It pains me to see what love has done here. I know that we do not always get what we deserve in the matters of love. And we cannot always afford to do something about it.

But you belong to France.

we're growing up

2009-09-13T21:24:00.001-07:00

Does your compass point north?

Loving all the pieces of you...

It's a full circle...

Elesi's birthday party held in the Shanghai Room...

Bringing up Harry!

2009-09-13T00:29:00.000-07:00

If you wake up one morning opening up the front door expecting the morning's paper and instead find a scar-faced baby boy in a bassinet with a letter saying that he is your recently orphaned nephew from your murdered sister and her husband, what would you do?

She took him in, most likely aware of the danger she is putting her family into. She took care of the boy whose eyes belong to the sister she loved, envied, resented and ached for. She reminded him of everything she desperately clung to as a muggle and everything she secretly dreamed of

as a second-best daughter.

But she bore it and she raised him, albeit not in the way most people - wizards and muggles alike - would prefer. She was really not the best in most things at all. She might even be the most awful sister, mother and aunt, come to that. But when she took Harry in, just like her sister, she did the world good. She took care of her nephew and nurtured their connection. And that persisted until the boy who lived grew up.

10 ways to live your life

2009-09-03T09:08:00.000-07:00

1. eat at a nice restaurant like TOSH or Bellini's

2. pry your butt out from the couch and watch a movie in a theater at least once a month (yes, even if that Heigl girl's in it!)

3. try a diet for three days then binge

4. watch a decent 90's series like F.R.I.E.N.D.S., then check out How I Met Your Mother

5. create a blog

6. catch an episode of The Soup or The Dish and catch a laugh

7. buy a self-help book and read at least five pages from it

8. read something about the economy, international relations, or religion

9. try to start a scrapbook

10. finish something

from Joyce Kilmer

2009-09-01T00:39:00.000-07:00

Aking pikiwari’y di na ko muling makakatagpo
Ng tulang sing-ganda ng isang puno.

Isang punong uhaw sa ganda
Nakasandig sa matabang lupa;

Isang punong nakatunghay sa Maykapal,
Nakataas ang kamay sa panalangin buong araw;

Isang punong sa kabuuan ng tag-araw
Ay pugad ng mga ibong natatanaw;

Pahingahan ng ligaw na nyebe;
At lihim na kasintahan ng ulan.

Ang mga tula’y gawang mortal,
Ang puno’y lalang lamang ng Maykapal.

time of your life

2009-08-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

in less than a year, it would be ten years since i was in high school...

i don't really know how to sum up what my entire high school experience was but, at that time, it seemed like the most important time of my life.

i was eventually forced to transfer from a private Catholic school into a public high school. looking back, i believe that i should have been warned. although i spent most of my growing years in a private school setting, it's my experiences in the public school which defined me - it made somehow better and a little bit worse.

i learned how to lie without batting an eyelash. i learned how to smoke effectively that by my third day i was already a chain smoker. i learned how to drink alcohol, and not just those girly screwdriver mixes. i learned hard, liver-smashing drinking. i remembered how we mix Red Horse (one of the stronger local beers) and gin bilog (a cheap but wicked variety sold for about twelve pesos per bottle at that time) and drink to our hearts content - or as our allowances would be able to afford.

i much rather not go into the dirty details as it may be taken against me.

but i lived a high school life devoid of self control. i could even say that i lived on the edge. even the day before our graduation was a testament to how much we've pushed the definition of problem teens. one of my closest pals nearly got shot.

i realized then (or sometime after that) that the life i want to live is nowhere near where i was. i was a loud, rebellious, and ignorant drunkard. and it was too bad because i really did well on my NSATs. i realized that i wanted to go to college. i wanted to finish my schooling and i wanted to do a better job in living my life.

i got into a good college, finished a degree, took a post-graduate course and passed the board exams - i think i've done so much better now.

so i guess high school is really just a time in one's life. whether you were called a brainiac, a dork, a slut, a clown, a rebel, or an idiot - it's okay. it's just high school. it's what you do after it that really counts.

you should have been there...

2009-08-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

this is an old pic taken ages ago. i believe it was some sort of pre- or post- new year's eve.

it was just a few of our closest friends. we met at a supermarket and bought much of the food and booze that we shared that night. it was pure fun!

the highlight of our night was when we ran a test on which vodka flavor we like best. i think one flavor won...the one with the vodka in it.

goodbye, grandma

2009-08-13T20:53:00.000-07:00

i don't know how i got here but i know you have something to do with it. you were always too sly that way. i've always refused having to write this because i know how goodbyes suck.

i know that i disappointed you a little sometimes but it never really showed when you look at me. i wish you can see me now - i might even make you smile.

it was tough for me growing up because i've always been on the crazy side but you always made me feel better than any of them. i remember the nights when i wake up so afraid that you might have left me that i watch you while you slept. and even when you're asleep, you made me feel better.

surprisingly, the wound was as fresh as it was a couple of years ago. i don't think i'll get over losing you. you made me too comfortable having you around (and so i blame you a little for that). i wish you were still here because you always knew what to say to make me feel better and you always knew when i need to feel better. sometimes, even before i did.

still, i also wished you didn't worry about us too much. i guess you knew how dysfunctional we all really are inside. so you believed and raised us - silently and steadfastly. you made pillows fluffier and sheets smoother. you made toasts tastier and regular meals fancier. even when you could hardly manage it, you took care of us.

because you were there, i was not as broken as i might have been. i didn't want to let you go because i feared having you might be the only thing keeping me together. that the reasons why i have been so good is because i secretly and desparately want to hear you being proud of me. and even now that you're not here, i feel you around me. looking over my shoulder and urging me to be better. you gave me the more strength than i could possibly carry. i promise - someday, i'd be.

i will always love and miss you - some days more than the others.

banking in purgatory

2009-08-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

I quivered beneath my side swept bangs at the sight of the people inside a local bank. I went there to encash a check I'd been waiting for in a while. As I sat in the room waiting for my number (97) to be called (they were servicing 69 as of that moment) it dawned on me that I made a perfectly idiotic thing. I followed the suggestion made by the nice finance officer from where I got my check - do the transaction in the bank nearer to their office.

Note to self: Never trust anybody to be completely decent from the job you left because you were disgusted by its policies.

I instantly realized what another ginormous mistake I made when I left my Ipod at home. I was going for a "peace and quiet alone time" and what I saw ahead of me was a parade of unwanted overheard conversations and icky sounds from men trying to clear their sinuses - specifically the guy sitting right beside me.

Note to guys: It would always be wiser to declog unwanted and disgusting nasal fragments before leaving one's house.

Sitting in front of me were a lesbian couple who tried to pass time by listening to music in their cellphones. It reminded me of my ancient Nokia I had in my pocket. It did not occur to me to buy one of those mp3-capable phones because I have a perfectly usable Ipod which was conveniently sitting on my top drawer.

I was massively contemplating suicide when a girl had seemingly cut in line and went ahead to ask the teller something. I did not see this offensive at all until the old woman behind me chattered (and quite loudly for a lot of us to hear, too) about how people get ahead and muttered some more about how red tape ruins it for everybody. The man sitting beside me provided effective sound effects by exercising his nasal passageways. He might be regretting not blowing his nose before leaving his house.

Two college students sitting behind me were talking about their classes. The guy was convincing the girl to skip her classes and watch a movie with him. The girl was clearly interested but conveyed that she was on the fence fearing she might fail her class. The guy assured her this won't happen just by missing one class, effectively teasing her with the movie he'd like them to see, The Proposal. I foamed in the mouth.

Note to girls: never go out with men who would ever skip a class to watch a film by Sandra Bullock and/or Ryan Reynolds.

The security guard asked us to put our cellphones away. I tucked my phone in my bag, had an out of body experience then lapsed into a coma.

heroes

2009-08-05T02:01:00.000-07:00

Throughout thirteen years of martial law, until I laid eyes on her again, I never thought that I would ever see the end of it. Least of all that my father would survive it. I am not much given to prayer or pious reflection but when I could set aside my anger, I prayed my father would see democracy again.

Late one afternoon, in San Francisco, I got a call. It was from Cory Aquino, for whom I had written one speech after her husband’s assassination. She said she had accepted Marcos’s challenge in a Snap Presidential Election. I put down the phone, and packed my bags, and reported to her at the Cojuangco Building.

I knew then she was the answer to my prayers. What I did not notice was that the closer we came to victory, which is to say the farther the prospect receded that the Marcos regime would survive, the less I felt the anger inside me. As each day passed, bringing me closer to the day I could get even, the less I felt the need for it as I spent more time with the woman who alone could make it possible.

I did not notice, but I was no longer looking back in anger, or looking forward even, to victory and vindication. Only now do I see. I had lived with my anger so long, only for the day to come when it no longer mattered to me. The only thing that counted was that I was living every day to the fullest, bringing out the best in me—for someone else. A dream I hadn’t had since I was a boy, feeding on stories of chivalry, had been achieved. I was serving a woman who was every inch a sovereign, all the more for scorning the slightest pretension to the role.

I did not realize it, even when I was already in the Palace, by the side of the President—among all her advisers, I like to think, the one who loved her most.

It never again occurred to me that I had scores to settle. And not until today, that I had passed up every chance to get even.

From the moment I came in from the airport and reported for duty, and she gave me in return the same smile she gave me on her deathbed, I never noticed… Not when I was with her in the campaign when she corrected me for not looking at the people I was waving at… Nor when I was with her in the presidential limousine looking intently, for her benefit, at the crowds at whom I waved… I never noticed anything. Except that I was with the only person that I would ever want to be with.

I certainly never noticed that I had left my anger behind. I don’t know how it happened. Except that Cory Aquino ennobled everyone who came near her. I have tried to say it publicly but never could finish. If you saw me as I felt myself to be, anyone would fall in love with me. I saw myself in that hospital room, a knight at the bedside of his dying sovereign, on the eve of a new Crusade, oblivious to the weight of the armor on his shoulders for the weight of the grief in his heart.

And because she always doubted my ability to be good for very long… Indeed, when my wife told Ballsy that I prayed the rosary at Lourdes for her mother’s recovery, Cory said, “Teddy Boy prayed the rosary? A miracle! I feel better already.” Because she doubted my capacity for self-reformation, she made it effortless for me by being herself. I did not notice that I was doing right by serving a woman who never did wrong. I am not sure how to take this moral self-discovery. It is so unlike myself. But if it will bring me before her again, I am happy.

********************

This speech was given as eulogy for the late President Corazon "Tita Cory" Aquino by Makati Representative and former speechwriter, Teddy Boy Locsin. As of presstime, thousands of people swarm the streets leading to Manila Memorial Park to join the Aquino family in bidding her farewell.

you've got a way

2009-06-17T01:22:00.000-07:00

about six years ago, i declared that i'm not the marrying kind.

i saw a parade of failed marriages and broken families. in fact, mine was one for a while. i saw marriage as work - too much work for a piece of paper. and even more so - having children.

scared out of my wits, i realized i wouldn't be willing to go through all that. i wouldn't be willing to compromise my individuality. i wouldn't be willing to put my career on hold or on the line for it. i wouldn't be one of those girls in the next table talking about the best way to cook their adobo. i would always be free.

i would be available for nights out with the gang 24/7. i would be the chick who would always know what's the latest because my life would not be interrupted by the girls' ballet classes and my husband's company dinners.

a few months ago, something changed. someone changed. and it felt strange, scary, wierd and wonderful.

you did this to me. you looked at me like i was the only one who mattered in the room. you held me like i was made of crystal. you made me believe that i could do anything and be good at it.

and i knew that you're all that i would ever want and need.

the best man

2009-04-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

i like the way you smile at me for no reason. i like that i make you smile just by being there. i've always had to say something smart or wear something nice to get one.

i like that i always win our arguments, or at least you let me. i like that you like me thinking too. i've always had to compromise and listen more than talk.

i like that you've always been a gentleman. i like that you ask before you give and give whenever i asked. i've always had to give something up before getting anything in return.

i wish i could tell you how lucky i feel to have had you in my life.

i wish i could make you feel that you're very important and loved - something that you definitely deserve.

i wish i could hold you and tell you that i love you and nobody else - but he came here first and he never really left.

so my every smile, kiss, hug and love will belong to him as though he's always been the better man.

if i was invisible

2009-04-24T12:55:00.000-07:00

1. i would run in the mall without my better clothes on (yeah, slippers and worn-out pajamas)

2. i'll enunciate my criticisms inside the movie house

3. i'd sit in the middle of the road in the middle of the day

4. i'd pick my nose in public

5. i would go inside a nice restaurant and just sit there soaking in the ambiance

6. perhaps, fight crime from time to time

a little closer

2009-04-13T11:31:00.000-07:00

a reality that exists only in the deepest and darkest part of us...

when we fight, we are at our worst...

and we break even long after it stopped really hurting...

and we break every night.

last night

2009-03-16T14:02:00.000-07:00

i just had a nightmare. i was walking around the place where i worked. there was this man who i seem to know as a friend, he held my hand casually as i fell asleep on my chair.

when i got up from dreaming a bit in my dream, i stood up and started to walk across several people.

then i suddenly felt dizzy like from riding a rollercoaster. i felt like i was going to puke. i realized i was fainting in my dream and i couldn't feel my legs - my entire body felt limp. i tried to ask the people for help but they went on oblivious from my horror and my pain.

i tried to kick and yelled for my mother but it doesn't seem to work. i bit my tongue hard and when i opened my eyes i was back in my bed. i knew that i wasn't really awake yet though so i tried to shout and i managed to let out a whimper.

when i heard it, i knew i'm home. i haven't fallen asleep since.

and we march on

2009-03-07T18:40:00.000-08:00

tupac...notorious BIG...frank sinatra...john lennon...kurt cobain...elvis.

"I am lucky to have been a recording artist and one day when I leave this world, just like the names I mentioned, my voice will be heard. Always. At a touch of a button or switch, I am "alive" again.

In essence music is life. Music is immortality."

- francis m., musicman

ever after

2009-02-15T13:14:00.000-08:00

love is inevitable.

i looked at his eyes and there it was. a promise of so many beautiful things to happen.

it took a while though. it made me crazy a bit. i was angry and frustrated and i doubted if it even was enough to go through all this trouble for just the promise. he was there and i was here, in between us was chaos. my friends and friendships were even torn apart.

but within the swirling million pieces of passion, judgement, weakness, excitement and wonder - there was hope. hope that love can be as hyped up as it should be. that the emotions you invest are worth it. that the moments you waste away waiting for it will be just the dismissable past not even worth mentioning when he comes to you. and he did. and it was.

and you realize, this is how it should be. this is what they've had in mind behind the unfathomable fairy tales read to us every night. the magic is not even magical at first sight but it is there. it is real. and it was the best valentine's ever and over and over again.

no angel no saint

2009-02-09T21:23:00.000-08:00

maybe we shouldn't meet.

i honestly don't think i want to know more than i do now. i don't think i would like knowing.

when i read that it was her again, i hated it. it just made me feel that i was a filler, something like a 5-year-itch. i don't think i would've minded as much if it was somebody else. but it was her and it made all the difference i never expected it would.

someone said that perfect love may be impossible to give or achieve, but we should try nevertheless. he said that we should allow ourselves to stretch and be stretched as thinly as humanly possible. that there's no point in doing otherwise because it simply is the meaning of love.

i thought you had this somewhat and at some point, for me.

i'm definitely not trying to win you back, i honestly believe you are and will be much happier with her than you would be with anybody else. it's just, she was willing to go as far as she could for love, for the love of you that it would be insane to create a threat to that.

i wish you happiness and i wish you love.

chasing passions

2009-02-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

i've just finished watching Only You (1994). granted, it is quite cheesy with lines like "i was born to kiss you," but it's nevertheless one of the best date movies in time for valentine's.

Faith is set to be married in 9 days when she realized that she may have said yes to the wrong man. when she was little, she played the Ouija board with her brother and the name Damon Bradley came up as the name of the man she is destined to be with all her life. she chased after him from America to Italy. she met a guy named Peter who pulled a lot of stunts for her to figure out that he is the man that he is destined to be with.

i had a college friend who was on her senior year when she heard about a dreamy guy with an awesome name and a briliant reputation. she gathered her guts and transferred from her college to his, not knowing if he's already committed or not. not knowing if he'll like her or not. she didn't end up with that guy but with her bestfriend who was by her side with every crazy idea she had.

seems to me, that we knowingly put metrics for love that's why we always end up getting disappointed. seems to me, that more than looking for all the might-have-beens and could-have-beens it might be best, and perhaps easier, to look at the ones closer to us and the ones who go at great lengths to make us happy.

father and son

2009-02-07T16:40:00.001-08:00

...no father should ever have to bury their children...

i know something about...

2009-01-17T14:00:00.000-08:00

i would have to admit that i love Ally Mcbeal.

i understand that it is about this skinny little girl with adjustment problems. i understand that she is the worst role model that any woman should ever have. and i understand that we should all move on in our lives without excuses. but somehow there is truth there.

don't we all hope that the love we had before we met the world to be the love we keep?

and long after we lost somebody, don't we all hope that that person to regret ever losing us? that they don't simply move on and have fabulous lives and wives?

don't we also feel safer alone than in love again? don't we feel safer not knowing if things will turn out okay since it always make us feel so sad stuck in today?

well, i've been there and it is not impossible that i still am and i just don't acknowledge it. but we could all use some advice and/or words of "wisdom" from Ally:

"the more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to."

yeah, she did!

2009-01-11T22:02:00.000-08:00

kate winslet won the golden globe, twice. :)

what's on your sleeve?

2009-01-03T22:59:00.000-08:00

love me or else ...

we're back in business

2008-12-30T20:35:00.000-08:00

i wouldn't really call myself a fan.

it's just that Britney Spears seems like this thing that was always right when i was in high school that somehow had gotten lost when i grew up.

her "mistakes" and my apologies.

i was even reluctant to see womanizer .

i thought, why even bother. she, like many things in my adventurous and exciting past, belongs there and we need to all move on at some point.

boy, was i surprised!

it was smart and sexy (reminiscent of her video toxic) yet not without the "new" Britney character we should all give a chance to.

it seems like no matter how life treats us like a circus, we do all right eventually.

colour your world

2008-12-26T16:38:00.000-08:00

one of the best sci-fi shows ever...

all in the family...

who's your daddy?!!

good girl

2008-12-13T18:09:00.000-08:00

When asked to comment about Angelina Jolie's statement about falling for her ex-husband on the movie Mr & Mrs Smith set, Jennifer said:

"No daggers through the heart. I laugh. Am I surprised? ... Considering the source, nothing surprises me."

Go Team Aniston!

starting some things

2008-11-23T13:30:00.001-08:00

something new happened to me today...

I learned how to transfer pictures from my new phone, SAM (known to the world as a SGH-E590).

For people who are more comfortable with their high-tech phones, this may seem like a stupid post. However I've never considered myself adept in anything electronic. In fact, there are a lot of jargons that will make me go "huh" for quite while.

We recently celebrated Halloween in our office and I took a lot of pictures with my phone. I had a digcam with me as well but I opted to take some using my phone, thinking it would be just the same process of transferring it to my pc since I've been doing that for over a year.

As you may have guessed by now, I was dumbfounded when I tried it. Thankfully, I was a bit stubborn. I searched for help in the NET and found out about a precious little software called SAMSUNG PC STUDIO. I downloaded the program (my phone kit didn't have an installation CD) and the rest was history.

a little cheatsheet:

In the software, use the Multimedia Manager to locate the files (photos, videos, music) on your cellphone and transfer them to your pc. It's very user-friendly! :)

the addiction

2008-11-23T00:42:00.000-08:00

coffee is the most subtle of addictions. the most cunning and, almost always, permanent.

my name is Chase and i'm a coffeeholic.

it perks me up.

it helps me meet deadlines.

it keeps the words coming.

just before i started this post, i downed a cup of coffee.

i use it when i'm happy.

i use it when i'm upset.

i use it with friends.

and i use it when i'm enjoying my time alone.

i need an intervention.

lock, stock and barrel

2008-11-16T11:51:00.000-08:00

the place wasn't expensive.

it's one jeepney ride to Kalayaan Avenue from Cubao. the ride costs eight pesos.

the experience...priceless.

this crowded yet organized and private place gave an impression of the old "Antipolo Over-looking places" minus the actual view. but that was a small price to pay.

there are VIP rooms for friends (or the other kinds) to conduct their karaoke sessions privately unhindered by the various celebrations in other rooms as well. the price is five hundred pesos per hour. cheap because, unlike other KTV places, they do not consider the headcount and the price is consumable. meaning you can order food and booze for the same amount with unlimited access to the karaoke.

the food itself is not gourmet but not bad at all. we (9 people) feasted on inihaw na bangus, pork and chicken barbeque, chicken lollipops, fries and breaded chicken strips, onion rings, squid, and pork chops. the drinks ranged from a variety of fruit juices and soda to vodka and beer.

for four solid hours we stuffed ourselves with good food, great booze, cool songs and amazing friendship.

it was an experience i'm sure to have again.

the rock and the hard place

2008-11-02T13:03:00.001-08:00

I consider Shades as a kindred.

We attended the same college and he was one of my closest buddies. We shared a lot of fun memories, embarassing moments and silent escapes.

Recently, he made an interesting choice that surprised even myself. I considered him liberal and quite the adventurous type but I guess there will still be things that can surprise you about a person.

Honestly, I want to be disappointed. I want to keep appealing to his better judgement of things (it shows itself every once in a while) but I know better now.

There will be times that life will throw you a curve ball and though you try to be the better person or the person you'd like to be in such a predicament, it isn't always going to be so. He made the choice he has to live with. It may be a bad choice but it's a move nonetheless.

To this day, I'm proud to say that I am embarassed by his daredevil stunts.

the picadillo effect

2008-10-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

I suffer because I don’t want to

I sin against the goodness and humanity in sinning

I am no longer the little girl who looks at the ocean

And feels the sand between her toes

Seeing herself certainly

As just a little girl who stands in front of the ocean

Now, I am a person who’d look at the seas and dares to conquer it

And conquests are terrible things

I feel that there is a core in me no one has ever touched

And that core must yield to be alone and destroy me solely, wholly

There is pride and loneliness;
equal and unfailing to remind me,
I was weak staying strong.

caught in crossroads

2008-10-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

I pride myself that I am far from bland;
thus I have fallen so low into the top

I love but not with haste and desperation

for fear that it shall go away
and I would be left further wanting
that which can never be mine

I feel but not without ghastly fear

of being discovered weak

I fight though only a little,

in belief that fighting gives away
much of the battle to the opponent

I fought a little imperfectly

so as in times of downfall

I shall relieve myself

of simply saying

that I had not given my best

I weep incessantly but only within
I am seen as an unwavering product

of trials and tribulations

I am a triumph

I become strong by winning over hell

But I will be forever weak

because I am still here

And I am hell

hardly working, anyway

2008-10-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to say of my working life, only that a tie is a noose, and inverted though it is, it will hang a man nonetheless if he's not careful.

Life of Pi

no doubt about it!

2008-10-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

I'll be honest about it. It is not atheists who get stuck in my craw, but agnostics. Doubt is useful for a while. We must all pass through the garden of Gethsemane. If Christ played with doubt, so must we. If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" then surely we are also permitted doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosphy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.

- Life of Pi

if you think education is expensive...

2008-09-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

"Why should society feel responsible only for the education of children, and not for the education of all adults of every age?"

- Erich Fromm

shortchanged

2008-09-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

i have a lot of things going for me recently but a lot have been taken away as well.

when grandmother passed away last year, i tried my best to keep myself together. she was one of the brightest spots in my life and i felt as though i have to go on a barely lit world forever without her.

a few months ago, my younger brother passed away at the age of 21. i lost words and i felt utterly stupid being left behind.

i felt as though i died with them. only i wasn't buried.

arresting the moment

2008-09-21T03:31:00.000-07:00

i dislike statues.

it's like they are constantly mocking you by staying put.

they are somehow telling you that no matter how you treat them, they'll remain the same.

it almost makes me feel that people are second best.

on the outside looking in

2008-09-18T20:49:00.000-07:00

i just know

2008-09-18T20:22:00.001-07:00

there are people who are always gonna be around. there are people who, even after you think they left you, will always be looking after you.

long after you've found how not-so-great you are, these people stick around. even when you cease to believe, they see you through and not see through you.

they are miracles, believe me.

charmed little angels who clipped their wings to make you want to get one.

here's to...

2008-09-17T19:02:00.000-07:00

''Idiots are fun; no wonder every village wants one.''
Dr. Gregory House

the bad beginnings

2008-09-14T13:21:00.000-07:00

i've been on so many beginnings. the sad part is most of the things and/or dreams that i began doing have been stuck somewhere gathering dust and cobwebs.

the thing with beginnings is they're always so much fun. there is planning, a bit of research, the first acts - all exciting and new.

towards the middle though the exitement fades a little each day and is replaced but tediousness.

and then there's the heartbreak of realizing that you don't want to go further.

there were so many good things that i began with which never saw the harsh light of a finished task.

maybe it denotes a fear of being judged by what i did or didn't do.

perhaps it is my lingering fear of being misunderstood and being underrated/overrated.

and it pains me to think that this may be one of them.

the wanting

2008-09-13T16:40:00.000-07:00

i have always wanted to write consistently. it really didn't matter where, how and what about. i just know that i want to write. i need to write.

so here it is, a blog - a piece of my writing life in the making.

i learned how to set up a blog with a help of a friend who has influenced me in more ways than she may think. i will be indebted indefinitely.

thanks, seeker!

where to begin

2008-09-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

at last, a breathing space!